I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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