apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Randomize
