I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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