dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
