To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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