so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
