if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize