Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
