I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
