I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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