you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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