Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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