The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
