Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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