I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
