His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
