I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
