My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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