you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
