I think scott just propositioned me for sex
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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