Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
