Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
