This girl is more easily done than said...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
