"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
