I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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