are you still at the devil's house?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
