My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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