the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
