Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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