im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
