The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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