sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
