Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She told me I should be a condom model.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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