Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
