remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
