onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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