I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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