I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
