if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
