we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
