I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
