i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
