She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
