im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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