The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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