I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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