I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
