I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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