I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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