did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
