I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
