Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
