Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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