when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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