Apparently you make a good broom.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
