Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
