So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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