Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
