this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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