Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
