My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I woke up under a house in Key West
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