I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
